Shit Happens

Since my first creative writing post didn’t go over well I decided to write something funny and also extremely fucking embarrassing.

Why embarrass myself? Well why the hell not! 🙂

Let’s travel back in time to my Freshmen year of high school…..

Picture it…young Nick sitting in Mr. Lawson’s Algebra class, nervous as a virgin on her wedding night. 

Your first day of high school can be pretty scary! What happens when people get scared? Well a lot of things but on this particular day the intestinal gods were out to get me. 

I tried to ignore my gurgling gut as long as I could but finally I just had to go! With my signed agenda (did anyone else experience this in school?! You had to have something signed saying you were allowed to go somewhere…were we in prison?) I hauled ass to the bathroom. Imagine that scene in White Chicks when one of the “girls” ate cheese and pulled a “move bitch” when running into the bathroom. That was me. 

Now this is where this story gets extremely fucking embarrassing….

Have you ever had to go sooooo bad that it’s literally happening AS you pull your pants down? Shit ain’t got no shame. It’s a-coming when it pleases.

I finally make it to the toilet, but not before a rouge traitor makes its exit and lands on the bathroom floor.

Now you would assume that I saw this conspirator conspire against me, right? WRONG! 

I was under the impression that I got ALL of my kids into the pool. WRONG!

I finished my business at the pool and started to make my way out of the stall. 

Now what do you think happened?
Cue rouge turd!

You would think that the stress of my first day of high school would be enough! But nooooo. The universe said “Hold my Diet Coke”. 

As I made my way out of the stall I stepped on that rouge backstabbing piece of shit. Literally. 

Not only did I step on it but I made shitty foot prints all the way to the sink!

Talk about being mortified at the highest degree. Looking back I don’t know how I just didn’t run from the bathroom, out the door and into the corn field. Oh wait, I know. They would have followed my shitty tracks all the way there!

To wrap this embarrassing story up, let’s fast forward to the ending. 

I ran back into the stall and scrubbed the shit off my shoe with toilet paper a cleaned up the track marks (haha) as best as I could. 

Someone please tell me that I’m not the only one with an embarrassing story like this! If you have one, and are willing to share please comment below!

 

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Seven Days of the Week

A Mind

The days will run on by us

No eye-contact, single-file

Mile by mile they will pass us

All the while we try to connect

Try to talk to the days that pass

While our flesh wrinkles

And eyes turn to dust

Our bodies, Collasping to the ground

Into heaps of bones

All the seven days stand around us

Wondering where the time went

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A Thousand Words

I failed to preface the first creative writing post with a warning, so here goes!

Not everything is rainbows and comedy with me. Sometimes my Moments are darker.

Starting this blog has been immensely cathartic, and after another rough week I felt drawn to my keyboard to write.

Anxiety and depressions ARE REAL and it is something I deal with EVERYDAY. This poem is free-verse representation of how I feel some days –  especially this week.

Don’t really enjoy the darker (and raw) Moments? That is OK, but do me a favor. Acknowledge someone with anxiety or depression and let them know it is OK, and that you are there for them.


michal-grosicki-221225.jpgA THOUSAND WORDS
I smile for all to see.
That’s who I’m supposed to be.

I smile for all to see.
But that’s not really me.

Inside rages a storm. A storm that will not cease.
Inside I battle the knights, of doubt and disbelief.

My fear takes hold. What will I do?
My fear takes hold. I can’t breakthrough.

How can I be who I’m supposed to be?

They say a smile is worth a thousands words.
But the words that others see are not me.

A thousand words read, but still they know nothing.

Blinded by that belief that all is well.

But inside a wave begins to swell.
A wave of anxiety that takes hold of me.

How can I be who I’m supposed to be?

Caught in the riptide of myself, struggling for the surface.

I smile for all to see.
That’s who I’m supposed to be.

National Donut Day


Today is National Donut Day! Donut Lovers Unite!

Donuts are one of my favorite bad-for-you things to eat! Luckily I live in a wonderful city that has a ton of great Donut options! A favorite of mine is Schneider’s Bakery in Westerville. A shout out to Nancy Bryant for telling me about them!


I celebrated National Donut Day like any sane person would…I ate some donuts! 

Thursday at the office Nancy and I devised a plan to celebrate such a wonderful day. I would pick up 4 dozen donuts the next morning and bring them to work. We had plans to share of course…or did we?

I pull up to the bakery and there is a line out the door! Apparently others got the memo.

As I’m waiting in line I see a giant sign that reads:

Advance notice on orders is welcome and appreciated!

Oops. 

Do you ever read a sign and think that it was put up just for you to read it?

The line moves quickly and I make my way into the bakery. Other customer around me are being modest and saying “I’ll have 1 Donut, I’ll have a dozen please, or Just two for me today” 

Finally it’s my turn. 

I step up to the counter and whisper “I need 4 dozen please. ”

“I’m sorry, what?” the older lady behind the counter gets on the tip of her toes to get closer to me. 

“I need 4 dozen” I say…this time a bit louder. 

“4 dozen!” She exclaims. 

I swear everyone in the room, customers and workers alike collectively did this:


Ashamed, I explained that I tried to call ahead but they close so early that I wasn’t able to! 

The sweet lady turns into Wreck it Ralph and says, “You can have four…but you are getting what I give you” and then begins to throw precious donuts into a box.

She was not very happy with me. Nor was the line of customers behind me. But I NEEDED 4 dozoen donuts. I needed them like a fish needs water. Like Kim K needs plastic surgery. 

I digress. 

I left with my 4 dozen and headed to the office to spread cheer amongst the people. 

A special thanks to Nancy and Brent for buying the donuts. They were soooooo good!

in:spam Vol.2

Yo Yo Yo! Nick here for another round of in:spam!

This time the message is from hello@lookient.com and it reads,  

You mad bitch! You made me hate my guts last night. You are an ASS. You disgust me. It makes me wanna puke when I think of you. YOU SON OF BITCH. Do not you dare to do that to me again, sucker.

Hello hello,

Your parents must have hated you since they named you hello. You’d fit right in with Dick Johnson, Anita Butts, Chris P. Bacon, and the many other great disappointments. I am sure your mom wishes your dad had just pulled out that night.

Can we be honest for a minute? Without a doubt you hated your guts WAY before I came along. I too have a fit of violent dry heaves when I think of you. 

Finally, I am not even sure what I did to you (perhaps I should be tested?) but I most assuredly won’t be doing it again. 

Goodbye, hello. 

Nick

 

642 THINGS Vol. 1

This past Christmas Sarah gave me a book titled 642 THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT. I have answered a few prompts since then and decided to incorporate them into my blog. 

My hope is that YOU are compelled to answer the prompt as well. Whether it’s via the comments, on Facebook, WHATEVER, I would sure love to read them!

Today’s prompt is:

Write a scene that begins: “It was the first time I killed a man. “

My answer to the prompt:

It was the first time I killed a man. 

Although the first, I knew exactly what I was doing.

The tip of my serrated knife plunged into his abdomen with ease. His mouth gaped open, his tongue struggling to form a syllable, eyes shone bright, full of disbelief. 

I watched the life pour from him as I ejected my knife. Staunching the wound would be impossible, but still he tried. Clutching his stomach his gaze rose to meet mine, eyes that once held disbelief now burned with anger.  I didn’t feel any remorse. I didn’t feel anything. I stepped back just as he attempted to reach for me. The inertia of his attempted movement, and the blood loss, caused him to collapse to his knees. Blood soaked his clothes and the pavement around us. 

Slowly, his will to survive gave out and he slumped over. Dead. 

It was the first time I killed a man. 

Although the first, I knew it wouldn’t be the last. 

All gave some. Some gave all. 

Today I celebrate the life of Robert C. Williamson who served his country during the Vietnam War. 

He was known by many names. Dad. Husband. Bob. Bob’O. But he was known to me as PawPaw. 

To say he was a great man just isn’t enough – but I am not sure I know of an appropriate word or phrase to use. 

To say he was a great grandfather is an understatement. 

Always ready to listen. Always ready to crack jokes. Always ready to give advice. 

You taught me how to fish. You taught me to be ornery. You taught me to sing and be silly like no one is listening – and if they are, who cares!

Though you are not here your memory lives on through your daughters, wife, and grandchildren. 

We love you and miss you everyday. 

A is for Adventure


Thanks to a scheduling snafu, Sarah is now off today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, she still has to work Monday but the double time pay will be worth it. 

Now with a whole day together, what were we to do? Sarah woke me up around 7:45 and said, “Let’s go on an adventure”. 

Sarah is a list maker and “Family Adventure” had made its way onto many weekend to-do lists. So I decided to give in to her need for adventure and spontenaiety – and we headed to Black Hand Gorge. 

Of course our Maizey joined us and boy was she excited! I wish I had taken a before & after pic of her because she was muddy and soaked by the time we finished. I am still not sure how she got so dirty given that we were on a paved path! 


Maizey is always up for an adventure and loves being outside. The picture above is as we walked towards the picture in the beginning. In 1903 (don’t fact check me but I think that’s what I read) they blasted open this path to make way for a railroad. Gone are the trains and tracks, but ever present is the smooth paved trails enjoyed by runners, bikers, and other adventurers. 


This water was so still and reflected everything around it. Sarah, ever the rule breaker, went under a rope (though it was clearly marked as off limits) and close to an edge to get this picture. I was not happy. Her doing this landed us in a discussion about how I don’t like to break the rules and am not very spontaneous. This blog should have have been called S is for Sarah and Spontaneity! Luckily she has our sweet Maizey girl who is always up for anything!


All along the paved path we were witness to the beauty of nature. Here there are trees that are seemingly growing right out of the rock itself. Nature can and it will. 

In total we walked about 3.5 miles – a new PR for Maizey!

I had planned a Saturday alone but got something much better – some time with my two favorite girls. 

If you’ve gone an adventure lately, tell me about it! 

To each their own. Except…

toeachblog

I try REALLY hard not to judge people. I know what it is like to be judged – it sucks. BUT…sometimes people just do some dumb ass shit and I can’t help it! I know you can relate! Regardless of how good of a person you are, I know you still judge. Gosh…look at me! Judging you about saying you don’t judge!

This past weekend Sarah and I went to our wonderful Zoo here in Columbus, Ohio. If you are reading this and have never been – GO! After you finish reading this post – Go! Not before finishing….I like the ratings…but right after! Go for the simple reason that you get to see baby Polar Bears!

Like most crowded public places I was served a bunch of fucktardary to try really hard not to judge. We already talked about me and trying not to…

Here are two of the favorite ass-hattery moments from the Zoo:

  1. This event I am simply calling Africa. While my mind did go to the song titled Africa by Toto (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY), it is named Africa because this WTF moment happened in the ‘Africa’ part of the zoo. A couple and their two adorable kids sat at the bench next to us to have a snack. I believe it was fries. Dare I say ‘African Fries’? Anyway…as they were sitting there enjoying their snack the two kids proceeded to climb out of the stroller and roam around. At first I thought, “Meh…no harm here. They kids are bored and want to burn some energy.” By the end of this encounter I was thinking, “OMFG?! Who approved you to be parents (Oh wait…they don’t do that –  damnit!)?! Your children are acting as though they are the kids from The Wild Thornberrys –  literally running away from you in Africa and you don’t even notice! Your daughter is literally walking towards a crowd of people and anyone could snatch her up! Would you even care if they did? Now where is your son…OH THERE HE IS! Pounding his tiny french fries grease laden hands on the Lion exhibit!” Finally this couple wrangles their children back into the stroller and I am left praying to the lordt that next time the guy pulls out….
  2. Next, is the event that actually made me think about writing this. Oddly enough it happened as we were leaving the Zoo! I am calling this one, If a Doubt, Don’t Whip It Out. As we were leaving we noticed a family off to the side that appeared to be fresh from Zoombezi Bay. I noticed two things right away. First were the parents. They were arguing about something all the while looking around as if they lost something. Second, was the little boy who was also looking around AND giving the universal sign for “I’VE GOTTA PEE!”. Imagine Forest Gump when he told the president he had to pee. I wonder if this boy also had about 15 Dr. Peppers? Making my way out of zoo I watched the scene unfold. I put the pieces together and imagine the interaction went something like this –

Mom: [To husband] Oh Jimmy! Little Tommy has got to pee! Quick find the bathroom!

Dad: [To wife] I know Gina, I’m trying damnit! [Looks around]. There! Tommy go pee behind that wooden smashed penny machine!

Mom: [To husband] Oh Jimmy! You are a lifesaver! Why didn’t I think of that?!

Tommy: [To parents] No papa! Don’t make me do it!

Dad: Damnit Tommy! Surely this public establishment doesn’t have restrooms inches away from us so this is your only option! Now go on! That wood should soak up your pee just fine!

AND SCENE!

I’ll give you a minute to digest that.

My final glimpse of this act of foolery was little Tommy pulling his swim trunks down to his ankles, whipping it out, and peeing all down the back of the smashed penny machine. I bet Jimmy was proud.

The moral of this story is this – If you are unsure of where to take your kid to go to the bathroom….behind the smashed penny machine is never the right choice.

That’s all for now folks and remember – you can fix ignorance…but stupid is forever.

 

Till death do us part


Last night I had the privilege to watch a dear friend of mine marry her best friend. They say rain on your wedding day is good luck so I think they will be alright. 🙂

Despite the rain, love prevailed and their little ceremony was moved inside. Surrounded by their family and close friends, Lisa and Scott said “I do” and sealed their fate with a kiss. 

Seeing the love in their eyes, reminded me of my own wedding where I too married my best friend. 

Sarah and I will be married for 7 years this year. Wow! It seems like only yesterday people were saying we were crazy for getting married so young – oh wait… that was yesterday! Many people criticized us for tying the knot so young but what they didn’t seem to understand was this: Though we were young, our relationship was strong – and thankfully so as our relationship and marriage would be tested over and over and over again. 

Let’s go back in time a little bit. 

Test 1:

 Sarah’s grandma passed away. This was the first big thing we had to deal with as a couple. We weren’t married yet so the boundaries of “what do I do” had not been laid. I struggled with being there for her and being there too much. We found a rhythm and it carried us through our first test. 

Test 2:

 Sarah and I both got laid off. We lost our apartment. We lost our car. 

You’d think we would have had enough, right? Wrong!

Test 3:

1.5 years after the passing of her grandma, Sarah’s uncle suddenly passed of a pulmonary embolism. He died exactly 1 month before we were married. When we cleaned out his apartment we found our invite in his mailbox. He hadn’t even received it yet.

Even after three very trying events our love endured. Yes we fought. Yes we screamed and cried. But we endured and grew stronger. 

God must have known that we needed this strength for what was about to come. 

Test 4:

1.5 years after the passing of Sarah’s uncle, her dad died. This was a very trying time in our marriage and for Sarah in general. There was no way we were going to get through this. But we did. We cried and mourned, but because of his death we were able to make a choice. A choice that would alter the course of our lives. 

Test 5:

 Less than a year after her dad died we moved to Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I said that his death allowed us to make a choice because if he would have still been alive we would have never moved. On December 30th we packed the uhaul (yes my brother was there!) and moved our lives to Ft. Wayne. This giant leap was huge. We were leaving family, friends and my job. All I can say is this: Thank God We Did It! FW turned out to be just what we needed. I finally finished my associates degree, Sarah lost 110lbs, we made so many new friends, Sarah discovered her dream to be a nurse and we made so many memories. All by ourselves. Being away from the shroud of death that Ohio seemed to have was exactly what God ordered. I could go on and on and FW so look for a blog post all about it later!

Now let’s fast forward to our current test:

About a month ago Sarah had a break down and admitted that she didn’t think she could work full time and succeed at school. So what did I do? I prayed. Boy did he answer!

I’ve written about this before but the decision was made for Sarah to quit and for us to move into a small apartment in Newark. The numbers were crunched and we agreed that though it would be tight – we could do it. 

So here we are. Doing it. Almost a month in our new place and settling into our new normal. Has it been easy? Hell no. But we have been through so much worse. 

So how did we get through all of this? Being so young and enduring so many struggles. Why didn’t we just give up?

I’d like to say that Sarah feels the same way so here it goes:

Because we are best friends. We are soul mates. Our love can and will endure all. We fight…hard, but we love harder. We know everything about each other. We read each other’s minds. We are one. 

We have been through so much that now when something happens we just look at each other and say “we will figure it out.” 

And figure it out we do.

If you married your best friend or perhaps you are still dating your best friend – hold on to them. Love and cherish them. Something’s can be replaced – they cannot.