A Cake From New York


Today marks 7 years of marriage for Sarah and I! Even though we have been together for over a decade, it still feels like yesterday that we fell in love. 

I’ve written other sappy posts about my best friend, so I’ll keep it short and summarize our relationship by saying this: 

We have been through it all. Thick and thin. For richer and poorer. We have come so far in life together and we will only go farther. Together we will conquer our hopes, dreams and maybe the world. I love you Sarah Elizabeth Newton!

Now let’s talk about the title of this post. A Cake From New York. 

I work with some amazing people, one being Nancy Bryant, who I have talked about before. She has become a great friend and my “mom” while I am at work. She makes sure I am fed and always has candy around for me I need to stress eat. 🙂 

Another, who I won’t name just incase they are apart of the witness protection program, recently started at my company and is all around a nice guy. Now I don’t know much about him nor does he know much about me, but he still took it upon himself, in cahoots with Nancy, to make our wedding anniversary special. 

Though I don’t know much about him I do know he has an affinity for sweets. This is one subject that he and I can agree on. One day I was raving about a bakery in Cincinnati and he mentioned a really good him in New York where he is from. He went on to say that when his parent visit they typically bring him something from there and when they come next he will make sure to let me try something. Uhhhh. Sign me up. 

Little did I know that this “something for you to try” would end up being a gorgeously decorated cake for Sarah and I! 


Almond buttercream icing covered a moist yellow cake. Talk about salivating. This thing was amazing. 

I still do not know all of the details but I do know that two very thoughtful people took time out of their busy lives to make our anniversary special. For that I am very grateful!

See Sarah, we can have our cake and eat it too!

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Never Have I Ever pt. 2


I thought it was time for another round of Never Have I Ever. What have you never done??

Never have I ever Stole something with a higher value than $10: HAVE

Never have I ever Really liked a song by Justin Bieber: HAVE…many times. 

Never have I ever done a handstand with one hand: NEVER! I can even do one with both hands!

Never have I ever Gone to the bathroom and then not wash my hands: HAVE. I know…I’m dirty. 

Never have I ever Swam naked in a pool / beach: HAVE. I’m so scandalous!🤓

Never have I ever Smoked marijuana: NEVER

Never have I ever Escaped from class: HAVE. I am so rebellious! I went to the library when I wasn’t supposed to! 😱

The Fool Who Ripped His Pants

Does anyone remember that Spongebob Squarepants number one hit, The Fool Who Ripped His Pants?

No?

Well I feel as if that song was written just for me. In the past year I have ripped the crouch out of 4 pairs of pants! Twice during work!

Let me sing the songs of my people and tell you about my pants ripping woes.

Rip Incident 1
I had just recently started my current job and was asked to run out and get new batteries for a UPS. For my non techy readers, UPS stands for Uninterrupted Power Supply. Kinda like a generator but not as powerful. These things are VERY heavy. At work, we have units that are a couple hundred pounds. I made it to Batteries Plus without an issue and got the unit into the store unscathed. All was well, until I was getting BACK into the car to return to work. As I was getting into my car I heard a bone chilling ripping sound! Sure enough, my pants had blew, laying my undergarments to bare. Thankfully I never go commando. Now what was I to do? Thankfully I work in Columbus where there is not shortage of stores, so I headed to the mall to buy some new pants! This little rip wasn’t just a small little tear that can be covered up. It was a gaping hole in my crouch! I shuffled my way into JC Penny’s trying to conceal myself as best as possible. Cock shot, aisle 10. I finally made it to the men’s department and grabbed a pair of pants. Thankfully now I had something to hide behind! I purchased the pants and kindly asked the lady if I could just wear them out of the store. She stood their puzzled but finally agreed after I explained the gargantuan hole. With new pants and my goodies now covered, I made it back to work. Whew.

Rip Incident 2
The next public display of nudity also happened while at work but this time I wasn’t away from the office. I think it’s important to note that on this particular day I was wearing my favorite pair of navy pants. I was making my way back to my desk after helping someone, plopped down into my desk chair, and BAM. My favorite navy pants betrayed me and ripped. Once again I found myself with a hole in my crouch. I am a voyeurs delight! Thankfully this time I lived much closer to work and was able to run home and change. Also thankfully my office is very close to an exit so I made it out of the building unscathed.

Side note – I am still sad about those pants!

Rip Incident 3 – 4
The last two incidents are less eventful as they both happened either as I got into my car to leave work or as I got into my car going to work. Both episodes ended with my trashing the pants and sulking. Lots of sulking.

What I Have I Learned
Perhaps it is time to buy pants from another store!

Never Have I Ever

NEVER

1) Never have I ever called in sick to work because I was hungover.  I’ve never been hungover but I have certainly said I was sick when I wasn’t!

2) Never have I ever had a near death experience. DONE THAT!

3) Never have I ever flashed a bartender for a free drink. NEVER

4) Never have I ever called someone the wrong name during sex. NEVER

5) Never have I ever made out with a stranger. NEVER

6) Never have I ever eaten food out of a trash can. NEVER –  but I thought about it when I saw that half eaten pretzel at the ball field!

7) Never have I ever considered moving because of the election. DONE THAT!

8) Never have I ever talked to myself out loud in public. DONE THAT! Do this ALLLL the time. Mostly its me saying “What the fuck?!”

9) Never have I ever farted in public, smelt it, and enjoyed it. DONE THAT!

10) Never have I ever lied about my “number” to avoid judgement. NEVER. My number is 1. Uno. Un. Eins.

11) Never have I ever given or received a lap dance. DONE THAT!

12) Never have I ever slept with my best friend. DONE THAT! Calm down folks… my best friend is my wife!

13) Never have I ever sent a dirty text to the wrong person. DONE THAT!

14) Never have I ever made out while listening to Nickleback. DONE THAT!

15) Never have I ever peed myself in public as an adult. DONE THAT! Shit myself too…

Shit Happens

Since my first creative writing post didn’t go over well I decided to write something funny and also extremely fucking embarrassing.

Why embarrass myself? Well why the hell not! 🙂

Let’s travel back in time to my Freshmen year of high school…..

Picture it…young Nick sitting in Mr. Lawson’s Algebra class, nervous as a virgin on her wedding night. 

Your first day of high school can be pretty scary! What happens when people get scared? Well a lot of things but on this particular day the intestinal gods were out to get me. 

I tried to ignore my gurgling gut as long as I could but finally I just had to go! With my signed agenda (did anyone else experience this in school?! You had to have something signed saying you were allowed to go somewhere…were we in prison?) I hauled ass to the bathroom. Imagine that scene in White Chicks when one of the “girls” ate cheese and pulled a “move bitch” when running into the bathroom. That was me. 

Now this is where this story gets extremely fucking embarrassing….

Have you ever had to go sooooo bad that it’s literally happening AS you pull your pants down? Shit ain’t got no shame. It’s a-coming when it pleases.

I finally make it to the toilet, but not before a rouge traitor makes its exit and lands on the bathroom floor.

Now you would assume that I saw this conspirator conspire against me, right? WRONG! 

I was under the impression that I got ALL of my kids into the pool. WRONG!

I finished my business at the pool and started to make my way out of the stall. 

Now what do you think happened?
Cue rouge turd!

You would think that the stress of my first day of high school would be enough! But nooooo. The universe said “Hold my Diet Coke”. 

As I made my way out of the stall I stepped on that rouge backstabbing piece of shit. Literally. 

Not only did I step on it but I made shitty foot prints all the way to the sink!

Talk about being mortified at the highest degree. Looking back I don’t know how I just didn’t run from the bathroom, out the door and into the corn field. Oh wait, I know. They would have followed my shitty tracks all the way there!

To wrap this embarrassing story up, let’s fast forward to the ending. 

I ran back into the stall and scrubbed the shit off my shoe with toilet paper a cleaned up the track marks (haha) as best as I could. 

Someone please tell me that I’m not the only one with an embarrassing story like this! If you have one, and are willing to share please comment below!

 

in:spam Vol.2

Yo Yo Yo! Nick here for another round of in:spam!

This time the message is from hello@lookient.com and it reads,  

You mad bitch! You made me hate my guts last night. You are an ASS. You disgust me. It makes me wanna puke when I think of you. YOU SON OF BITCH. Do not you dare to do that to me again, sucker.

Hello hello,

Your parents must have hated you since they named you hello. You’d fit right in with Dick Johnson, Anita Butts, Chris P. Bacon, and the many other great disappointments. I am sure your mom wishes your dad had just pulled out that night.

Can we be honest for a minute? Without a doubt you hated your guts WAY before I came along. I too have a fit of violent dry heaves when I think of you. 

Finally, I am not even sure what I did to you (perhaps I should be tested?) but I most assuredly won’t be doing it again. 

Goodbye, hello. 

Nick