I thought it was time for another round of Never Have I Ever. What have you never done??
Never have I ever Stole something with a higher value than $10: HAVE
Never have I ever Really liked a song by Justin Bieber: HAVE…many times.
Never have I ever done a handstand with one hand: NEVER! I can even do one with both hands!
Never have I ever Gone to the bathroom and then not wash my hands: HAVE. I know…I’m dirty.
Never have I ever Swam naked in a pool / beach: HAVE. I’m so scandalous!🤓
Never have I ever Smoked marijuana: NEVER
Never have I ever Escaped from class: HAVE. I am so rebellious! I went to the library when I wasn’t supposed to! 😱
Does anyone remember that Spongebob Squarepants number one hit, The Fool Who Ripped His Pants?
Well I feel as if that song was written just for me. In the past year I have ripped the crouch out of 4 pairs of pants! Twice during work!
Let me sing the songs of my people and tell you about my pants ripping woes.
Rip Incident 1
I had just recently started my current job and was asked to run out and get new batteries for a UPS. For my non techy readers, UPS stands for Uninterrupted Power Supply. Kinda like a generator but not as powerful. These things are VERY heavy. At work, we have units that are a couple hundred pounds. I made it to Batteries Plus without an issue and got the unit into the store unscathed. All was well, until I was getting BACK into the car to return to work. As I was getting into my car I heard a bone chilling ripping sound! Sure enough, my pants had blew, laying my undergarments to bare. Thankfully I never go commando. Now what was I to do? Thankfully I work in Columbus where there is not shortage of stores, so I headed to the mall to buy some new pants! This little rip wasn’t just a small little tear that can be covered up. It was a gaping hole in my crouch! I shuffled my way into JC Penny’s trying to conceal myself as best as possible. Cock shot, aisle 10. I finally made it to the men’s department and grabbed a pair of pants. Thankfully now I had something to hide behind! I purchased the pants and kindly asked the lady if I could just wear them out of the store. She stood their puzzled but finally agreed after I explained the gargantuan hole. With new pants and my goodies now covered, I made it back to work. Whew.
Rip Incident 2
The next public display of nudity also happened while at work but this time I wasn’t away from the office. I think it’s important to note that on this particular day I was wearing my favorite pair of navy pants. I was making my way back to my desk after helping someone, plopped down into my desk chair, and BAM. My favorite navy pants betrayed me and ripped. Once again I found myself with a hole in my crouch. I am a voyeurs delight! Thankfully this time I lived much closer to work and was able to run home and change. Also thankfully my office is very close to an exit so I made it out of the building unscathed.
Side note – I am still sad about those pants!
Rip Incident 3 – 4
The last two incidents are less eventful as they both happened either as I got into my car to leave work or as I got into my car going to work. Both episodes ended with my trashing the pants and sulking. Lots of sulking.
What I Have I Learned
Perhaps it is time to buy pants from another store!
Yo Yo Yo! Nick here for another round of in:spam!
This time the message is from email@example.com and it reads,
You mad bitch! You made me hate my guts last night. You are an ASS. You disgust me. It makes me wanna puke when I think of you. YOU SON OF BITCH. Do not you dare to do that to me again, sucker.
Your parents must have hated you since they named you hello. You’d fit right in with Dick Johnson, Anita Butts, Chris P. Bacon, and the many other great disappointments. I am sure your mom wishes your dad had just pulled out that night.
Can we be honest for a minute? Without a doubt you hated your guts WAY before I came along. I too have a fit of violent dry heaves when I think of you.
Finally, I am not even sure what I did to you (perhaps I should be tested?) but I most assuredly won’t be doing it again.