Never Have I Ever pt. 2


I thought it was time for another round of Never Have I Ever. What have you never done??

Never have I ever Stole something with a higher value than $10: HAVE

Never have I ever Really liked a song by Justin Bieber: HAVE…many times. 

Never have I ever done a handstand with one hand: NEVER! I can even do one with both hands!

Never have I ever Gone to the bathroom and then not wash my hands: HAVE. I know…I’m dirty. 

Never have I ever Swam naked in a pool / beach: HAVE. I’m so scandalous!🤓

Never have I ever Smoked marijuana: NEVER

Never have I ever Escaped from class: HAVE. I am so rebellious! I went to the library when I wasn’t supposed to! 😱

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The Fool Who Ripped His Pants

Does anyone remember that Spongebob Squarepants number one hit, The Fool Who Ripped His Pants?

No?

Well I feel as if that song was written just for me. In the past year I have ripped the crouch out of 4 pairs of pants! Twice during work!

Let me sing the songs of my people and tell you about my pants ripping woes.

Rip Incident 1
I had just recently started my current job and was asked to run out and get new batteries for a UPS. For my non techy readers, UPS stands for Uninterrupted Power Supply. Kinda like a generator but not as powerful. These things are VERY heavy. At work, we have units that are a couple hundred pounds. I made it to Batteries Plus without an issue and got the unit into the store unscathed. All was well, until I was getting BACK into the car to return to work. As I was getting into my car I heard a bone chilling ripping sound! Sure enough, my pants had blew, laying my undergarments to bare. Thankfully I never go commando. Now what was I to do? Thankfully I work in Columbus where there is not shortage of stores, so I headed to the mall to buy some new pants! This little rip wasn’t just a small little tear that can be covered up. It was a gaping hole in my crouch! I shuffled my way into JC Penny’s trying to conceal myself as best as possible. Cock shot, aisle 10. I finally made it to the men’s department and grabbed a pair of pants. Thankfully now I had something to hide behind! I purchased the pants and kindly asked the lady if I could just wear them out of the store. She stood their puzzled but finally agreed after I explained the gargantuan hole. With new pants and my goodies now covered, I made it back to work. Whew.

Rip Incident 2
The next public display of nudity also happened while at work but this time I wasn’t away from the office. I think it’s important to note that on this particular day I was wearing my favorite pair of navy pants. I was making my way back to my desk after helping someone, plopped down into my desk chair, and BAM. My favorite navy pants betrayed me and ripped. Once again I found myself with a hole in my crouch. I am a voyeurs delight! Thankfully this time I lived much closer to work and was able to run home and change. Also thankfully my office is very close to an exit so I made it out of the building unscathed.

Side note – I am still sad about those pants!

Rip Incident 3 – 4
The last two incidents are less eventful as they both happened either as I got into my car to leave work or as I got into my car going to work. Both episodes ended with my trashing the pants and sulking. Lots of sulking.

What I Have I Learned
Perhaps it is time to buy pants from another store!

Shit Happens

Since my first creative writing post didn’t go over well I decided to write something funny and also extremely fucking embarrassing.

Why embarrass myself? Well why the hell not! 🙂

Let’s travel back in time to my Freshmen year of high school…..

Picture it…young Nick sitting in Mr. Lawson’s Algebra class, nervous as a virgin on her wedding night. 

Your first day of high school can be pretty scary! What happens when people get scared? Well a lot of things but on this particular day the intestinal gods were out to get me. 

I tried to ignore my gurgling gut as long as I could but finally I just had to go! With my signed agenda (did anyone else experience this in school?! You had to have something signed saying you were allowed to go somewhere…were we in prison?) I hauled ass to the bathroom. Imagine that scene in White Chicks when one of the “girls” ate cheese and pulled a “move bitch” when running into the bathroom. That was me. 

Now this is where this story gets extremely fucking embarrassing….

Have you ever had to go sooooo bad that it’s literally happening AS you pull your pants down? Shit ain’t got no shame. It’s a-coming when it pleases.

I finally make it to the toilet, but not before a rouge traitor makes its exit and lands on the bathroom floor.

Now you would assume that I saw this conspirator conspire against me, right? WRONG! 

I was under the impression that I got ALL of my kids into the pool. WRONG!

I finished my business at the pool and started to make my way out of the stall. 

Now what do you think happened?
Cue rouge turd!

You would think that the stress of my first day of high school would be enough! But nooooo. The universe said “Hold my Diet Coke”. 

As I made my way out of the stall I stepped on that rouge backstabbing piece of shit. Literally. 

Not only did I step on it but I made shitty foot prints all the way to the sink!

Talk about being mortified at the highest degree. Looking back I don’t know how I just didn’t run from the bathroom, out the door and into the corn field. Oh wait, I know. They would have followed my shitty tracks all the way there!

To wrap this embarrassing story up, let’s fast forward to the ending. 

I ran back into the stall and scrubbed the shit off my shoe with toilet paper a cleaned up the track marks (haha) as best as I could. 

Someone please tell me that I’m not the only one with an embarrassing story like this! If you have one, and are willing to share please comment below!

 

To each their own. Except…

toeachblog

I try REALLY hard not to judge people. I know what it is like to be judged – it sucks. BUT…sometimes people just do some dumb ass shit and I can’t help it! I know you can relate! Regardless of how good of a person you are, I know you still judge. Gosh…look at me! Judging you about saying you don’t judge!

This past weekend Sarah and I went to our wonderful Zoo here in Columbus, Ohio. If you are reading this and have never been – GO! After you finish reading this post – Go! Not before finishing….I like the ratings…but right after! Go for the simple reason that you get to see baby Polar Bears!

Like most crowded public places I was served a bunch of fucktardary to try really hard not to judge. We already talked about me and trying not to…

Here are two of the favorite ass-hattery moments from the Zoo:

  1. This event I am simply calling Africa. While my mind did go to the song titled Africa by Toto (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY), it is named Africa because this WTF moment happened in the ‘Africa’ part of the zoo. A couple and their two adorable kids sat at the bench next to us to have a snack. I believe it was fries. Dare I say ‘African Fries’? Anyway…as they were sitting there enjoying their snack the two kids proceeded to climb out of the stroller and roam around. At first I thought, “Meh…no harm here. They kids are bored and want to burn some energy.” By the end of this encounter I was thinking, “OMFG?! Who approved you to be parents (Oh wait…they don’t do that –  damnit!)?! Your children are acting as though they are the kids from The Wild Thornberrys –  literally running away from you in Africa and you don’t even notice! Your daughter is literally walking towards a crowd of people and anyone could snatch her up! Would you even care if they did? Now where is your son…OH THERE HE IS! Pounding his tiny french fries grease laden hands on the Lion exhibit!” Finally this couple wrangles their children back into the stroller and I am left praying to the lordt that next time the guy pulls out….
  2. Next, is the event that actually made me think about writing this. Oddly enough it happened as we were leaving the Zoo! I am calling this one, If a Doubt, Don’t Whip It Out. As we were leaving we noticed a family off to the side that appeared to be fresh from Zoombezi Bay. I noticed two things right away. First were the parents. They were arguing about something all the while looking around as if they lost something. Second, was the little boy who was also looking around AND giving the universal sign for “I’VE GOTTA PEE!”. Imagine Forest Gump when he told the president he had to pee. I wonder if this boy also had about 15 Dr. Peppers? Making my way out of zoo I watched the scene unfold. I put the pieces together and imagine the interaction went something like this –

Mom: [To husband] Oh Jimmy! Little Tommy has got to pee! Quick find the bathroom!

Dad: [To wife] I know Gina, I’m trying damnit! [Looks around]. There! Tommy go pee behind that wooden smashed penny machine!

Mom: [To husband] Oh Jimmy! You are a lifesaver! Why didn’t I think of that?!

Tommy: [To parents] No papa! Don’t make me do it!

Dad: Damnit Tommy! Surely this public establishment doesn’t have restrooms inches away from us so this is your only option! Now go on! That wood should soak up your pee just fine!

AND SCENE!

I’ll give you a minute to digest that.

My final glimpse of this act of foolery was little Tommy pulling his swim trunks down to his ankles, whipping it out, and peeing all down the back of the smashed penny machine. I bet Jimmy was proud.

The moral of this story is this – If you are unsure of where to take your kid to go to the bathroom….behind the smashed penny machine is never the right choice.

That’s all for now folks and remember – you can fix ignorance…but stupid is forever.